Because of what I have gone through, I am pretty vigilant for these types of people. They picked the wrong person to backstab.
What I have learned about backstabbers is that they can be very passive aggressive, avoidant and hate exposure. They will also have their own ‘support network’ where they get ‘fuel or supply’ and some of them could be your ‘friends’ too, unknowingly.
This woman came into my life a few months ago, and immediately, just by looking at her, I knew she was going to be a problem. It was weird as I could tell by her clothes and her clothes ‘were the opposite to me’. Well, she was supersmart and phoney and I am pretty casual. Even if she wasn’t supersmart the fact that there is a big personality difference, could be a ‘sign’ in anyone’s books. There is a risk of personalities clashing. I felt that I ‘would be in trouble with her’ at some point. Some people don’t like people who are different. Furthermore, she was polite, however, more of a formal polite, she didn’t appear to be relaxed and herself, it was almost as if she could not be herself and authentic at all. My instincts told me ‘that something wasn’t right’ and I couldn’t quite pin it down.
She also kept quite clear from us right from the beginning, although when we did meet, it was me who started the conversations. She was ‘friendly’ but quite ‘guarded’. We always had this phoney friendliness and I never really ‘knew her’, but she always made me feel ‘uncomfortable’. Yes, if she knew I was a Citizen Journo, quite understandly she would feel like that! She kept very polite so as to ‘act properly’ in public.
A couple of months later, she came into the kitchen but didn’t say anything or smile. Once again, I felt as I didn’t exist.
On the same day, I heard a shouting match and with her backstabbling me to her friend. She didn’t know I had heard it, but I was very upset, as I had hoped she was an nice person, although I felt something uncomfortable about her from the moment I met her. Her words hurt. The fact that she was ‘friendly to me’ but backstabbing me was horrible. However, it confirmed what I had thought! in some ways, I am glad this happened, it was not me imagining things.
Now, this is where I had power! She didn’t know that I had heard her.That was great. The flying monkey she was bitching to, didn’t question things.Nothing was done or a few days.
I had to think about what I going to do. Backstabbers like to look good in front of their friends and they hate exposure. So, we decided to ‘open up things’ in a civil way by organising a grown up ‘team meeting’, including the flying monkey,, to discuss ‘any issues’ within the household, with other flatmates. House meetings are great way to air things in a ‘civil way’ and that probably scared her! The fact that she knew that we may have heard her. Something was up in her books but she didn’t know what.
We never did have the team meeting, due to complications, which was annoying, but we opened up ‘dialogue’ that there was a problem within the household as one of the flatmates, ie was very upset to hear someone from the household screaming about them and someone who had been nice to them too. Quite rightly we had to bring it up. The flying monkey, who was there, was shocked that I had heard their conversation and kept on apologising. The woman has not yet apologied and is keeping out of our way, probably very embarrassed, but now the place where she lives, shows about her behaviour. She has been exposed for what she is! The fact that she has not apologised herself, just makes things worse for everyone, including her!
We also added if there is a problem, for them to speak to us directly or at a meeting. We looked really good in the flying monkey’s eyes and he agreed, however, the damage has been done by both of them.
I am leaving their ‘patch’ for a few weeks so she can sort herself out and think about what she had done and if she cannot cope with the ‘exposure’ any longer, she will probably move! In the meantime, we will ‘wait for an apology’, and the longer we don’t have one, the worse the household tension will be. I think we have this backstabber cornered.
If you have experienced ‘catching backstabbers’, let us know how you dealt with them too?
UPDATE: Managed to get the backstabber to apologise! However, it has created a strained relatonship